Regret basically is regarded as a deep feeling of sadness over the loss of something you should have done differently or not done at all. Personally, I dread regret, I try to live my life in such a way that I get to smile both at the right, wrong and worst of choices I have made; for me, the combination makes for living.
It was the 14th of February, 2017; Valentine`s day. A day set aside for the display of love and appreciation according to many. Well, to me, if I loved you?….I love you every day, so let’s just say I usually do not make a big deal of the whole thing.
Last, valentine, I had been the one who surprised him with a gift and carefully watched him as he stumbled for words…. Apologizing that he didn’t know I made a deal of the day…. “but I don’t” I replied smiling as I looked away, he felt bad…maybe…but then I asked myself ” why the surprise?” a question I would rather chew on the possible answers than open my mouth……lol….
Well, it was exactly one year today, and after all my ranting on change, self absorbent, pretense classes and camouflage practices; here I was, sitting at the edge of my king size mattress I had carelessly thrown on the floor of my newly rented one bedroom apartment, I silently watched as the two men chatted away facing each other at the other end……carefully taking in every detail in an in-depth study of this very simple yet complicated creature.
Kingsley was a brilliant, tall, dark and handsome man…. Honestly, one look is never enough…. He had it all…. Maybe… looks, brains, charisma, handy….I mean he could fix anything broken, and somehow he managed to be both firm and gentle all at once.
Fred!!! Hmmmmm, don’t even get me started!!! Light skinned, average height, the abs…. Yea he was the fitness junkie and fine in ways only a woman can understand. A lot can indeed happen in a year. One thing I learned, though…. The only person that can undermine the strength of a woman with purpose is the woman herself.
I quietly watched as they kept going at each other,….. Yea you can say I had rather grown quiet over the years…. Life does that to you huh?
Intelligence in me sure did things to me that I just can`t describe. I had thrown a question, ” is there any such thing as a good woman and a bad one?” they both turned to me at once, one smiling and the other a little thrown off balance; to Kings there is no such thing, and to Fred there is and he was staring at one.
I smiled back knowing all too well how far from the truth he was, but it didn’t matter now… I had all the cards…didn’t I? fiercely they went on at each other, each man determined to prove his point, drowned in their own voices, I let them vent out as my mind took another trip down memory lane; February 14th, 2014!!!
It was just a day after my passing out parade (POP) and I had jumped on the first executive shuttle in GOD IS GOOD MOTORS headed for Lagos, Nigeria. I wasn’t going to pep talk myself, I knew it wasn’t a short distance journey but hey! I had to spend the Val with my man, this! I kept telling myself. Ibiere, one of those cool chicks you meet in camp, like minds to an extent but totally different personas.
Well, she had been on my case on how it was time, I start being an actual regular girlfriend, doing stuff for my man those other regular girls do; except I wasn’t normal and wasn’t ready to be wifed lol……… a lesson I actually felt it was actually time, I learned…. And for the first time I set out to be a ” regular girl” and for the very last time, it proved once and for all that I WASN’T JUST THE REGULAR BRAND….. Actually, I wasn’t normal after all.
The knowing was innate, I am to a considerable extent very much self-aware, but sometimes there are things that probably requires a sign, a signal, an event or in my case, a major destiny-altering experience, and I thought I was actually over it but it happens all over again each time I try to remember….
The horror, the pain, the trauma, the tears, the sight…I break down each time but like I said; this isn’t a tale of regrets and it definitely isn’t a fairy tale. And so, irrespective of the aching joints, the constant headache, and the severe hangover from the previous night partying.
Hey! It wasn’t easy being in a strange land for one whole year wearing khaki without a scratch…. It does call for celebrations…lol. And so with all the pains and headaches, turning my back on a scattered self-contained apartment, strapped my LV handbag on the left and adjusted my swatch on the right wrist; I took off to Lagos.